I’m stuck in a place of uncertainty. This isn’t a story told from the other side. It’s my days as they unfold, as I let go.
Functional burnout began around the age of 24. At 58, I’m on my third leave of absence because I’m at capacity. This is non-functional burnout. I’m not able to work.
I’m done explaining or trying to justify how I got here and why I can’t work. IYKYK: if you know, you know. This is who I’m writing for.
I spent years trying to return to who I used to be. This year, a good and insightful friend said I likely won’t, and that really landed for me.
Why would I? My former self is the reason I’m burnt out today.
I was living from a place of lack and scarcity. My brain was constantly online, trying to align with a version of my future self. My head was never home.
For the last couple of years I’ve been living to solve my financial worries and looking for a side hustle.
I tried to address my finances with a financial advisor. Before we started, I told her I had trauma around my finances, and that she could work with me for months and I still might not commit.
She had so much empathy and compassion, but she confirmed my fears. I could see no way forward other than to keep hustling.
Now, in this quieter space, without all the noise, I’m ready to revisit my finances.
I committed to fifteen minutes a day with my finances. I chose the word address rather than do, because I don’t want to set myself up for failure. Even if I only open the laptop, I’m building the discipline.
Some days I can feel the resistance in my body. I pace around the house with the laptop open. Then I do some breathing, remind myself the task is fifteen minutes, not solving my future, and begin.
I built a money tracker on my phone so I could see the whole picture. The first time I uploaded a bank statement, I didn’t make a huge amount of progress, but I was two and a half hours further ahead than I was.
See the trackerFor so long, everything I did, said or thought was focused on the illusion of my future self. Now I try to show up each day with one question:
How can I live my best life today that my future self will thank me for?
My counsellor tells me to rest and let go. I believe the only way I’ll get unstuck is to move through the fear of my finances. I don’t know if it will help. I’m letting go of any illusion that it will, but I know I have to do it anyway.
“I share my story because I know how lonely and isolating it is to live in this space of uncertainty.”
I want to be okay with not being okay.
XOXO AJ